I am terrified of snakes; both the real and the invisible ones. And I was afraid to close my eyes because of the things that I see. When I was awake, I felt as if the house was dark and I was afraid to be home by myself. I used to lock myself in my bedroom when I was home alone.
A certain point in time, I couldn’t even make wudhu without pain, much less to read salaah. When I was able to make wudhu, I would make it and read as much salaah as I could with that wudhu and wait until my son reached home after Isha to use the washroom.
I have felt that I was in a prison…in fact saw myself in a very pretty bronze coloured prison.
My son had to sleep in my room for two years because of my fear. I was on the verge of madness and he had to even feed me at one point in time. And at the time, he was almost completing his memorization of the Qur’an…………
I also can’t read salaah like everyone else because of a bad fall, I have five pinched nerves, so I have to sit on a chair. And I worry for every little thing and I cry easily. So I’m a real coward and not special at all.
However, my son’s teacher, Maulana Faizudeen sent a message to read nafl salaah after Maghrib; Salaatul Awwabin.
A painful exercise…………I struggled to read two rakaahs; my wudhu kept breaking, there were distractions, I felt as if I was seeing things, my skin itched, I was hungry at that point in time.
But I persevered…….read 2 rakaahs, then 4, 6, 8, 10 and finally I was able to make it to 20 on some days.
But even though I am reading much, it’s no guarantee that they will be counted………because I don’t think I have the the khushoo and kudhoo the scholars talk about. Some days, I’m lucky if I even finish the salaah, because I can’t remember how much rakaahs, I’ve read, can’t even remember the Darood Shareef even though I had learnt it as a child…………
But in spite of all that, I understand why it is referred to as the salaah of those who turn to Allah alone…..because gradually over a period of time, Allah Ta’ala assisted by giving me strength and most importantly……..the ability to read more salaah………..
Sigh…………….so perhaps, one day, in the not too distant future…I’ll have the khushoo and khudoo…………..
However, earlier this year, my son said that I was strong enough that he could move back in his room…….Of course, I made a huge fuss that I was sure he was mistaken…much deep sighs…..and he had to give me a few days to clear his bed… of clothes waiting to be ironed.
And Alhamdulillah….I’m less frightened…I think…..
At the very least, I’m not always afraid to go to the washroom when I’m home by myself.
And……….maybe it is the wrong intention… I try as much as possible to read Salaatul Awwabin because I’m frightened and it helps…gives me courage that I don’t have…
I don’t know if that is a bad intention……maybe it is…but it’ll have to do for now at least…………